My harp hero Keziah’s harp at her advent concert in Crystal Palace (2017 I think)
Today’s post is about dreams, goals, aspirations and ambitions - some for next year, some more general.
I was at a party recently talking to another musician about the sort of existential crisis some of us have from time to time, and I found myself telling her I used to threaten to give up the harp altogether about every three years.
My last time was in 2016 which meant I was due for one of those phases this year, but while there has been a lot of soul-searching in the last few months (and particularly over the last week when my large harp insurance payment was due out of my bank account!), I don’t feel the urge to give up any more.
There are definitely times when I want to play more, and times where both the harp and I are sick of each other and we need a rest, but I’m much better at accepting the lulls now. There are lots of other things I enjoy doing, and I can’t do them all at the same time.
This year more than any other, I’ve had to accept there aren’t enough hours in the day and it’s not sustainable to carry on as I have been in previous years. I haven’t run as much this year, and that has had a lot of knock-on effects on other areas of my life and how I feel about myself.
Running makes me happy!
Which leaves a different question - no longer “Do I really want to do this,” but instead “How do I make the best use of my time?” What do I let go, and what do I say “hell yes” to and make room for.
More importantly, the last few weeks I’ve been reminded of some of extraordinary but very ordinary runner Rosie Swale Pope’s words in her incredible book ‘Just A LIttle Run Round The World (5 Years, 3 Packs of Wolves, and 53 Pairs of Shoes)’
I follow my wilderness rules: Never stop halfway up a hill, only when you’re over the top. Leave space and energy to deal with anything unexpected that happens.
(It’s an incredible book even for those who hate running, I always recommend it when people ask me for a good read)
Those last words have been the tricky bit this year - it has been really difficult fitting everyone and everything in and I’ve hopelessly failed to get the balance right.
When I started to think about planning harp stuff for the last quarter of the year, to be able to squeeze everything in would need military levels of scheduling for December. I wanted to see what that was like, what I could achieve, what was possible.
But the thought of having to do that for an extended period of time, to have to perpetually say no to fun stuff that pops up around the edges, to not having spontaneous time to go out for dinner or an extra run because it’s a nice day or to go to a party or be with friends I’m desperate to see but who need a weekend of travelling to get to or to just flop on the sofa.... That now feels difficult.
I’ve never really felt confident talking about my day job in the context of all the musical stuff that I do, but this year more than any other, I’ve realised that I can no longer do it all and maybe it’s time to admit that to myself and to start making some changes.
I had a month off work in the summer which was supposed to be the answer (or at least to help figure out the answer!), but with nothing scheduled I actually really struggled emotionally. I realised I function best when I have something time-critical to organise everything else around, but I’m not sure if that’s healthy either.
There are some small changes to make - the harps will come home at some point which will mean practice will be logistically easier although more easily distracted. Soon I’ll be back in a regular running/gym schedule - I’ve needed the break, but I definitely feel better about myself when I’m running lots and out in the hills lots.
Sat by Wastwater in the Lake District with a glass of wine from the YHA after a long day running
But there are also some big dreams ahead for the next couple of years - finding my sound, writing and recording enough material to release an EP then maybe an album, performing more, finding my open mic tribe again, putting another show together, maybe taking it to the Fringe.
Those all need time and space to form and to grow, so I need to make room for that, and I need to allow for the fact that some of it will sound terrible and I need to not be afraid of that.
I’m not the only one who’s been thinking and reflecting in this way - there have been a couple of really excellent blogs in the Trad Music Forum recently, coincidentally by other harpists.
Ailie Robertson - How do we define Success as self-employed musicians?
Sarah MacNeil - The War of Art
For now though, over the last couple of days I’ve drunk some wine, met some friends, my bank account will thankfully be fine, and I’m off to get my running shoes on.